I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
These tits shall not be calmed
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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