im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
he thought i was a dude.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
