ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
ok first of all what the fuck
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
