shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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