A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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