I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
