The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Why is there bacon in the couch?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize