My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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