someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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