I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
