Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
