i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
