FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
