talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
