so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
