you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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