I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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