he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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