Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
