Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
