In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
