We're facebook friends in real life
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
