If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
