i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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