God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
This baby is an asshole
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Randomize
