Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I've blown a few things in my day
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
