If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Is Oprah even human
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
