Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
