Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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