apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
