u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
