my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
