I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
