so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
