I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Randomize
