Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
