Moan for me like Helen Keller
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
