This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
being pregnant is like rehab
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
