Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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