Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize