I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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