Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
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