Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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