Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It's shark week go big or go home
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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