so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
what day is it and did you see me today?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
