If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
