Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
