o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
