im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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