this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We talked him into tasing himself.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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