I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
