She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
