Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
