His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize