We won't sleep together?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
