my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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