first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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